Just fell off a train. Bad.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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