sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
