i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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