a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
