I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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