Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
