M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
