So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
