My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
