I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
pop tarts are not kleenex
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
