So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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