If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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