You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
