things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
