I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm too high and old for this...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
