I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
