Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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