You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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