i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
