her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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