when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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