The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
