First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
