i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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