This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i love accidental penises.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
