You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
