DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
