So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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