apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
