Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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