It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
