Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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