I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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