I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
