I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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