God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
