got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize