i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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