I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
