you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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