Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
