Jerry, you need to find god
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she peed on how many people?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize