I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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