What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize