Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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