So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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