my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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