His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
