Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
