if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
