i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
