We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Panties = found
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
