so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
