Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
