I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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