I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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